Ramblings of a Monkeygirl I laughed, I cried, I fell down…

Yosemite Valley Trip Report, May 2009: Day Two

Psyching myself out and the nature of my fear

I popped awake on Saturday morning about an hour before the alarm was due to go off at 6. Despite the full day of climbing the day before, I was supercharged and ready to go. Jer and my other regular climbing partner, Jeff, and his wife Kelli had met up with us at the campground the night before so we were a full complement of four for the rest of the weekend. We hit the ground running and were at Church Bowl by 8:30.

Church Bowl Tree

Jeff decided that he wanted to try Church Bowl Tree, a 10b, single pitch climb that we thought was only 10a. I had my reservations given the difficulty of the runout part of my second pitch on Friday (nevermind that I was off route and not really on the 5.6 at that part), but I had faith that Jeff would nail it since he’s pretty much never failed to impress me.

After falling on his first piece of pro once (twice?), he made it to the bolt anchors about two thirds of the way up the pitch. There may have been a little bit where he stood on the bolts to cheat up a tough section, but I didn’t see it so I’ll just pretend it never happened. Not much long after that, Jeff made it to the top and set up a top rope anchor.

While Jeff and I were occupied with Church Bowl Tree, Jeremy taught Kelli how to lead belay and she picked it fast (Jer’s a great teacher, and Kelli’s just awesome.) Once Jeff had the top rope set up, Jeremy climbed the route, and Kelli gave it a shot as well (which I have to give her props for since she’s only been climbing for a couple months!)

After that, it was my turn to try the route on lead. I have to admit, after watching both Jeff and Jer have trouble at different parts of the climb, I wasn’t feeling too confident about my ability to climb the route at all. The fact that I had trouble on what I thought was a 5.6 section of Munginella the day before wasn’t helping my confidence much either. Of course, being a little stubborn, I figured I’d try it anyway.

I had trouble right from the first move. I’m not very comfortable with crack climbing (read: I suck at it) in the first place, and my inability to keep my feet on the now very warm rock meant that I ended up hanging all my weight off a right hand fingerlock repeatedly. Yes, the right side…with the (more or less healed) rotator cuff I injured back in winter. I managed to place the first piece of protection but had help with the second piece (in the form of a random, tall, climber dude who offered to place the piece for me by standing barefoot on a low hold and just reaching up. Heh.).

I kept falling on the pro and was getting more and more freaked out despite being only two short moves off the ground. I don’t actually think I was scared of decking – there were about 4 people spotting me. I think I was more terrified that I would fall really hard on that finger lock and tear my rotator cuff again. Regardless of the reason, the fear pretty much had the effect you’d think it would have. My breathing was getting more and more ragged, my arms were pulled in tight and getting pumped out, and I couldn’t think clearly enough to remember to try the necessary fist jam again.

After about the sixth or seventh attempt, I gave up and came down. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty low. I don’t think I’ve ever let fear get to me that badly before. Normally I just suck it up, take a deep breath and keep going. After coming down, all I could think was that I was a wuss who couldn’t climb anything. Yeah, it was pretty ugly. I sat there for about 30 minutes feeling completely depressed and mad at myself. Ugh.

Black is Brown

If you know me even a little bit, though, you’d know I can be knocked out of a bad mood pretty easily. We went over to Black is Brown, a single pitch 5.8, and all it took was Jeff handing me the rack and telling me I was going up to shake me from my funk (well, that and an ice cold soda Kelli had bought at the store for me).

The climb was fairly chill and a ton of fun. The crux was at the beginning at a part marked on the topo as “steep hands,” but I didn’t really have much trouble with it. At the top, instead of sticking to the crack system, I stepped out onto fun slabby section and ran it out to the top (have I mentioned I love slab? Well, I do.). I am so very glad that Jeff handed me the rack to get back on it while I was feeling low because I topped out feeling really confident and happy again.

I set up a top rope and had Jer start to lower me to the ground. Now, my SuperTopo guidebook says that the height of the crag is 80 feet, but I think they meant it is 80 feet straight down, way off to the right of the route. About halfway down the wall Jer looked up and yelled that I was coming to the end of our 60-meter rope (that’s 196.8 feet if you’re curious). We had a couple options, but, in the end, Jer attached the second rope and passed the knot to keep belaying me. I have to love that we’re comfortable enough with what we’re doing such that we had multiple options and could figure out a way to fix our situation. Jer, Jeff and Kelli all tried the route on top rope after I came down.

Swan Slab

We left Church Bowl after that and headed over to Swan Slab to play. Jer climbed up a 5.1 to give Kelli a chance to practice her newly learned, lead belaying skills while Jeff and I went off to mess around on some fun, unnamed slab routes on top rope. The next thing I know, Kelli’s very first lead belay turned into cleaning her first multi-pitch climb on an unnamed side route.

Now remember, I just said that Kelli’s only been climbing for a couple months so the fact that she was comfortable enough to keep going up the second pitch is AWESOME.  Not only that, she also rappelled for the first time (taught by Jer on the fly) in damn near dark!.  I am always excited to meet women climbers and getting them into trad climbing is even better. Don’t get me wrong, I love my climbing partners, Jeff and Jeremy, and will climb anywhere/anytime with them, but I always think more women should climb.

Reflections

I was pretty surprised at how I could psyche myself out like I did. Something about the combination of knowing that trad routes in Yosemite are harder than similarly rated sport routes and indoor routes and feeling that I’m pretty terrible at cracks just completely and totally blew out my confidence before I even touched the wall. Climbing for me is a huge mental game, though, so I shouldn’t be too surprised that it works both ways – I can get myself super focused, calm, and dialed in or I can be a shaky pile of fear and doubt. It’s a good thing my friends know how to shake me out of a funk quickly, and I appreciate that they didn’t just let me sit on my ass the rest of the day. Hopefully I’ll know how to manage my thoughts a little bit better in the future to keep myself from undermining my own confidence.